Your Montly Visit With Dick, November 2009

Dear Dick,
I am an aspiring author of sensuous romance, but my problem isn't about writing. My problem is my boyfriend (I'll call John). John is not creative in bed and when we are making love its boom, boom, on go the lights -if you know what I mean? It's not that he's impotent, he has no problem getting his tool ready. And I really care about John but making love to him is about as interesting as counting my toes. He doesn't want to try to prolong the moment or show any interest in any positions other than the missionary. How can I get him to be better in bed? He says I satisfy him, but he also says I can just use my vibrator when we're done if I'm not "finished". This has been going on for over six months and he's brought up marriage, but I wince to think this situation won't change once we're married. Please help!
Judy, Ohio

Dear Judy,
If anyone ever went in search of the ideal poster girl to illustrate the need for pre-martial sex, you are definitely it.

If "John" has gone six months without trying anything you suggest and still has this attitude, believe me, he does not care if you're satisfied and never will. If you care so much about John that you are able to overlook the fact that he basically sees you as the voiceless earth in which to plant the Johnlandia flag, then stay with him. But if instead you realize that this dud cares more for his immediate need than he does about the woman who is with him, then I say dump this one-trick pony and find a stallion worthy of your affection and passion.
Dick

Dick feels that if you're in a relationship,

being a stubborn one-trick pony or a caring
stallion is a matter of choice.

Dear Mr. Dick Fry,
Hi, I am 19 and recently become a huge fan of Romance. There are several authors whose blogs I love to read every week, but here is where I have a problem. They often talk about their writing habits and sometimes I get really confused with all the abbreviations and terms. I have figured out the meanings of a few but sorry to say still not real educated in these things. Do you know any authors who have posted a dictionary or list of these terms writers use? It would help me a lot.
Thanks!
Angela
United States of America

Dear Angela,
right off hand I can't think of an author I personally know who does. However, these writer webpage resources may be of help to you in understanding the lingo:

by Devorah Stone from Write From Home

Romance Writing Acronyms & Abbreviations from How To Write Romance

Glossary of Writing Terms at Word-Mart

Some sexy abbreviations defined at Writing.TodayDotCom

Dick

Dear Dick,
when I was a kid I was a big fan of author Roald Dahl (James and the Giant Peach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, ect) A middle-school teacher told me once that Mr. Dahl had been married to a famous actress, but I can't recall who she was. Do you know?
Yours truly,
Sandy T., TX

Dear Sandy,
That would be the late actress, Patricia Neal. Dahl and Neal were married for thirty years before parting ways, and had five children together.
Dick

Roald Dahl and Patricia Neal
were married for thirty years
and had five children together

Dear Dick,
after taking the trip to Europe I've dreamed of all my life, I returned home to finish my novel. But I have developed a terrible case of carpal tunnel syndrome. My publisher says they won't give me another deadline extension unless it is a matter of life or death. So how the hell am I supposed to finish typing this project with my wrists in this condition?
Thank you
M

Dear M,
type very gently.
Dick

Hi Dick!
what is the longest novel ever written?
Bill and Ann, NYC

Dear Bill and Ann,
while there are several contenders from the self-published variety of books for the title of longest novel ever written, Marcel Proust's In Search of Lost Time holds the record for longest professionally published novel. This grandiose work is customarily sold in several volumes (and is pretty heavy to carry, although it can provide your Gor collection a touch of class if set close by on the shelves!) Artamene, or Cyrus the Great, by Madeleine and Georges de Scudeery, is considered by literary experts to be the longest non-conventionally published novel of all time. However, The Vivian Girls by psychologically-disturbed artist Henry Dager is attested to surpass Artamene in length, even if the pure -albeit creative- amateur author probably never intended it to be read by anyone but himself.
Dick

Proust's In Search of Lost Time is not suggested for
carrying on your head to practice good posture.

Dear Dick,
as an author I'd like to ask your readers opinion on something: are you offended by characters who smoke or drink?
"AT", Flordia, USA

Dear AT,
only if they come out of the pages and bum my Marlboroughs and Glenlivet without asking.
Dick

While Dick isn't offended by smoking or drinking,
mooching pisses him off royally.

Dick Fry's column at Pickled Cupid is devoted to answering Q&A's about Romance writing, the genre and sub-genres and/or the writing life in general. FYI Dick isn't an expert on anything; but just like with his vast and stunning knowledge on politics and religion, he fakes really damned good!

Readers of this blog are invited to contact Dick as long as they aren't bitching, threatening, or trying to sell him the secret to whiter teeth. If your question is selected to appear in his column be advised that neither your real full name or any of your contact info will appear unless specifically requested by you. To contact Dick with a question just locate his email address at the Pickled Cupid's right-side panel.

Obituary to share: the late Mr. Common Sense

Someone emailed this to my husband and he liked it so much he shared it with me. In attempting to locate the originating source I have come across it on multiple places across the internet but have failed to identify the original author. However, it is a humorous piece, but one that left me saying, Ain't it the truth and think it will strike a chord with a great many others. So, with gratitude to the unknown and obviously culture-observant author, I would like to share it with the readers here.

~Anya Howard



















London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have a termination.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on.

If not, join the majority and do nothing.

At least no one could accuse Carina & Harley of not being helpful little bees..

Relevant links

From the horse’s mouth(?):

Harlequin Horizons

Carina Press webpages

More from Blogland:

Teddy Pig

Emily Veinglory's Erecsite

Sexy on the Briefs news & reports

President Obama to host Little Debbie Summit

Whitehouse spokesperson, Ronda Kaye Wyatt, has confirmed that President Obama has cleared his schedule at the beginning of December in order to host a special summit at the WH. Invited to the summit are Verna Hoskins of Bristol, VA and Rhianna O’Neal of Boise, Idaho. The two women were in the news last week after their debate over which Little Debbie ™ snack cake is best had spilled over onto Twitter. According to one online witness the debate turned into no less than “a full-blown ranting spectacle” that confused people following Trending Topic words such as “cream-loaded”, “long & yummy” and “orgasmic”.



Wyatt has confirmed that the President has asked the White House kitchen to serve a variety of Little Debbie trademark cakes, pies and cookies for the summit. The only product that will be excluded is the Little Debbie Zebra Cakes, the serving of which, Waytt explained, could possibly result in unwanted smart-ass tweets from Twitter-user, Scott Baio.

NFL player fined for refusing raise

Willie-Joe Snowdon, lineback for the Cordova Firedrakes has been suspended and fined $2,500 for refusing to accept a pay raise.

Snowdon, who doesn’t have a publicist or manager, was quoted as telling a Cordova press source that he feels it is immoral to accept the 1.3 million dollar salary increase team owner, Jerry LeGree, wanted him to accept. “Almost everyone in my family has been laid off from their jobs,” Snowdon said. “If Mr. Legree wants to spend that kind of money, why doesn’t he use it to re-open the coat factory he bought out and closed down in 2005? Four hundred people lost their jobs in that deal, including my Dad, uncle, two brothers and grandmother.”

The NFLPA spokesperson, Ken Saladetti, has confirmed that the association stands behind LeGree’s decision. “You have to be firm when a player makes an outrageous demand. This selfish attitude jeopardizes morale for other players. Outside of the game and endorsements, it isn’t like they really have any other way to pay for the lifestyles that comes with being a privileged jock. And if the players start to feel guilty about it, you can bet the fans might start re-thinking their priorities, too. It is not an economically feasible position for the rest of the owners to be in.”

Jury awards actress 3.2 Million

A jury in Los Angeles has awarded Kathryn Nuit 3.2 Million dollars in damages, after finding the Bouncy Trampoline Company responsible for the accident which Nuit claimed left her unable to work.

Nuit, who goes by the professional stage name Kate Nutcracker, filed the lawsuit in June, claiming the trampoline company was responsible for the October, 2008 accident which she suffered after using one of their trampolines. According to Nuit’s attorney she had purchased the Bouncy Super 4000 only the day before and was trying it out with friends when the accident occurred. Witnesses testified to the jury that Nuit had been on the trampoline only a few moments before getting in a “really awesome bounce” when she was suddenly pitched over her lawn perimeter and toward the city sidewalk. The witnesses say she then landed spread-eagled over a fire hydrant.

Although hospital records showed that Ms. Nuit had suffered no broken bones from the accident, doctors testified that Ms. Nuit’s vagina suffered a life-altering stretching injury. Judge Joseph Rydamila, after reading the jury’s decision, concurred with their determination that the Bouncy Trampoline Company had failed to provide adequate warnings about the possible injuries to vaginas for those who use the Bouncy Super 4000. In awarding the settlement, Judge Rydamila commented gravely, “This young woman’s life will never be the same again because of your failure to provide proper warnings, and the adult film industry has lost a valuable member of their ranks. I hope you’re as satisfied with yourselves as Ms. Nuit’s films made me on numerous undisclosed occasions.”


Child TV show star dead in apparent suicide

Zoe
Born: 1990 - Swan Dived Out: 2009

Child television star, Zoe, was found dead yesterday in her home. The young starlet from Sesame Street was found dead in her bath tub last evening by neighbors, Ernie and Bert. According to investigator, Kermit T. Frog, Ms. Zoe had apparently cut her wrists with a sharp pair of scissors. The bath water was said to be filled with orange fabric dye from where the starlet had died. A suicide note was also found on the floor underneath an inanimate object identified as Rocco the Pet Rock. Zoe's note, Frog says, detailed the anguished last thoughts of a very despondent mind.

Her neighbors say they didn’t realize Ms. Zoe was in trouble or even depressed until they needed to borrow some cooking oil.

“Zoe talked all the time, non-stop,” Bert said. “We got into the habit a long time ago of just refusing to let her in. She’d stand on the other side of the door, yakking away for hours, as if she didn’t even know the difference. Eventually, mercifully she’d finally go away, usually before we had to call the police. If Zoe mentioned anything about being depressed, we didn’t really notice. We were just happy have got a good night's sleep without all that ballet music shaking the walls."

A family spokesperson, Aunt Chloe has revealed that Zoe had been depressed for some months prior, believing her ballet career was an utter failure. Ms. Chloe also stated that family members had urged Zoe for some time to seek counseling for her addiction to energy drinks.

One nearby resident did tell investigators he suspected Zoe was going through some personal issues. “She knew full well nobody but nobody liked her sorry ass,” Oscar G. Rouch commented. “Yappity, yap, yap, yap. That was Zoe! And it ain’t like nobody’s going to miss her now. Except maybe Elmo. But of course, Elmo is a congenital idiot. That’s another one, if he sticks his head in a gas oven or chokes on his goldfish, I ain’t going to be boo-hooing.”


NASA requests additional 4.3 billion dollars for 2010 spending budget.

NASA has requested almost five billion additional dollars for the spending budget of 2010. Dr. Jerome Fines, II explained the additional money, if approved, will be used to create a karaoke program for use in space stations.


Leaves the hottest new bathroom product in U.S.

TrendWatchersOrg reported today that leaves are November's hottest trending item for bathroom use in the United States.

TWO’s analyst-in-chief, Lloyd Maxwell blogged the news today. Maxwell was asked by several blog visitors if he thought the news implied that Americans are being more seriously affected by the economy than some first believed.

“It could be the bad state of the economy some are talking about, maybe even the high unemployment rate others complain of,” Maxwell wrote. “But if my college-bred education tells me anything, the fad indicates Americans are simply aware of the effects our bathroom habits have on the environment.


New board game pre-Christmas orders taking off at online sellers

Makers of the soon to be released board game, Mark Of The Beast say advance orders are doing surprisingly well at Amazon and Wal-mart, rivaling even the company’s pre-Christmas video games sales.

“We are pleasantly surprised,” Lucifer Undertoll told press sources. “We had hoped that recent reports of toy trends were right in that families are buying more board games than in the last ten years, and it looks like those figures were correct. And this game is geared toward families with children who like more realism in their playing experience. We hope our little game will be a big hit for families this year and many more to come.”

The creators of the game explained that Mark Of The Beast is similar to Monopoly in some ways, but with a contemporary set of goals for the players. In Mark Of The Beast players try to buy up food and necessities instead of real estate, and instead of using play money, use colorful tattoo transfers which are applied to either the palms or foreheads. If a player doesn’t win transfers by getting a lucky card when their tokens land on the Fate or Community Compassion spaces they will eventually be “starved” out of the game. There is no Jail space in Mark Of The Beast, but the Detention Camp for players who land on Jesus Removes Your Mark. The player with the most hoarded food and medical supplies at the end of the game wins.


If initial sales are an indicator,
Mark of the Beast promises to become a family favorite
board game for many years to come..or at least until
2012.



Copyright 2009 by Anya Howard & Pickled Cupid. All rights reserved.

Special request video

On request from Alice, Dave, Dean, Megan, Mike and Ty, and in memory of all the victims at Fort Hood. This one's for you.

XOXO Publishing website re-opened

The XOXO Publishing website has returned from re-construction and is back online. They have a submissions page now and desired genres are laid out. At this time the information I see hints that some royalties may be donated to charity, but the specifics about this is unclear. Publisher states right to change website term language and the interested author is informed to contact for full details. Details about parent company -the Ninni Group, Inc.- is scant, and one contact informs that they have been unable to confirm actual corporation status. I will note that the website has a professional appearance now, but leave it to the author to decide whether a submission to XOXO Publishing is a venture they deem worth looking into.

******
On subject of ebook publishing in general:
for information regarding electronic publishing rights and trends, these links may be useful for authors

Writer Beware (vis SS&F Writers of America) on electronic publishing and author rights

Victoria Strauss's excellent article on things authors should be aware of before signing a contract
http://www.sff.net/people/victoriastrauss/beware.html

Dear Author blog (what authors should look for in an electronic publisher)

Absolute Writer Water Cooler's Bewares and Background Checks forum

Preditors & Editors: List of agents and publishers; cites publishers to be wary of and those rated to be on the up & up

Stacy Kane blog on How to evaluate an electronic publisher

Piers Anthony's e-publisher comparisons http://www.hipiers.com/publishing.html#publishers

******

Special thought of the day on how NOT to run a successful electronic publishing company:

Videos of the Week: a few MAD TV gems

Good evening everybody! Tonight I thought we'd take a look at some gems from the MAD TV files. Hope you enjoy.

If you were a fan of HBO's Deadwood like me, you'll probably love this MAD TV spoof (courtesy of girlgroup):

For all the highbrow literary types out there MAD TV does Oprah doing the Vagina Monologues with three former first ladies (courtesy of bignorm10).

Uploaded by Vohamanah, this next MAD TV moment pokes fun at America's favorite television asshole, House, MD:

And for the last video of the night niftymatt provided this yummi-rific MAD TV parody of Pizza Hut's Twisted Crust Complete-za!