Sexy on the Briefs news & reports

President Obama to host Little Debbie Summit

Whitehouse spokesperson, Ronda Kaye Wyatt, has confirmed that President Obama has cleared his schedule at the beginning of December in order to host a special summit at the WH. Invited to the summit are Verna Hoskins of Bristol, VA and Rhianna O’Neal of Boise, Idaho. The two women were in the news last week after their debate over which Little Debbie ™ snack cake is best had spilled over onto Twitter. According to one online witness the debate turned into no less than “a full-blown ranting spectacle” that confused people following Trending Topic words such as “cream-loaded”, “long & yummy” and “orgasmic”.



Wyatt has confirmed that the President has asked the White House kitchen to serve a variety of Little Debbie trademark cakes, pies and cookies for the summit. The only product that will be excluded is the Little Debbie Zebra Cakes, the serving of which, Waytt explained, could possibly result in unwanted smart-ass tweets from Twitter-user, Scott Baio.

NFL player fined for refusing raise

Willie-Joe Snowdon, lineback for the Cordova Firedrakes has been suspended and fined $2,500 for refusing to accept a pay raise.

Snowdon, who doesn’t have a publicist or manager, was quoted as telling a Cordova press source that he feels it is immoral to accept the 1.3 million dollar salary increase team owner, Jerry LeGree, wanted him to accept. “Almost everyone in my family has been laid off from their jobs,” Snowdon said. “If Mr. Legree wants to spend that kind of money, why doesn’t he use it to re-open the coat factory he bought out and closed down in 2005? Four hundred people lost their jobs in that deal, including my Dad, uncle, two brothers and grandmother.”

The NFLPA spokesperson, Ken Saladetti, has confirmed that the association stands behind LeGree’s decision. “You have to be firm when a player makes an outrageous demand. This selfish attitude jeopardizes morale for other players. Outside of the game and endorsements, it isn’t like they really have any other way to pay for the lifestyles that comes with being a privileged jock. And if the players start to feel guilty about it, you can bet the fans might start re-thinking their priorities, too. It is not an economically feasible position for the rest of the owners to be in.”

Jury awards actress 3.2 Million

A jury in Los Angeles has awarded Kathryn Nuit 3.2 Million dollars in damages, after finding the Bouncy Trampoline Company responsible for the accident which Nuit claimed left her unable to work.

Nuit, who goes by the professional stage name Kate Nutcracker, filed the lawsuit in June, claiming the trampoline company was responsible for the October, 2008 accident which she suffered after using one of their trampolines. According to Nuit’s attorney she had purchased the Bouncy Super 4000 only the day before and was trying it out with friends when the accident occurred. Witnesses testified to the jury that Nuit had been on the trampoline only a few moments before getting in a “really awesome bounce” when she was suddenly pitched over her lawn perimeter and toward the city sidewalk. The witnesses say she then landed spread-eagled over a fire hydrant.

Although hospital records showed that Ms. Nuit had suffered no broken bones from the accident, doctors testified that Ms. Nuit’s vagina suffered a life-altering stretching injury. Judge Joseph Rydamila, after reading the jury’s decision, concurred with their determination that the Bouncy Trampoline Company had failed to provide adequate warnings about the possible injuries to vaginas for those who use the Bouncy Super 4000. In awarding the settlement, Judge Rydamila commented gravely, “This young woman’s life will never be the same again because of your failure to provide proper warnings, and the adult film industry has lost a valuable member of their ranks. I hope you’re as satisfied with yourselves as Ms. Nuit’s films made me on numerous undisclosed occasions.”


Child TV show star dead in apparent suicide

Zoe
Born: 1990 - Swan Dived Out: 2009

Child television star, Zoe, was found dead yesterday in her home. The young starlet from Sesame Street was found dead in her bath tub last evening by neighbors, Ernie and Bert. According to investigator, Kermit T. Frog, Ms. Zoe had apparently cut her wrists with a sharp pair of scissors. The bath water was said to be filled with orange fabric dye from where the starlet had died. A suicide note was also found on the floor underneath an inanimate object identified as Rocco the Pet Rock. Zoe's note, Frog says, detailed the anguished last thoughts of a very despondent mind.

Her neighbors say they didn’t realize Ms. Zoe was in trouble or even depressed until they needed to borrow some cooking oil.

“Zoe talked all the time, non-stop,” Bert said. “We got into the habit a long time ago of just refusing to let her in. She’d stand on the other side of the door, yakking away for hours, as if she didn’t even know the difference. Eventually, mercifully she’d finally go away, usually before we had to call the police. If Zoe mentioned anything about being depressed, we didn’t really notice. We were just happy have got a good night's sleep without all that ballet music shaking the walls."

A family spokesperson, Aunt Chloe has revealed that Zoe had been depressed for some months prior, believing her ballet career was an utter failure. Ms. Chloe also stated that family members had urged Zoe for some time to seek counseling for her addiction to energy drinks.

One nearby resident did tell investigators he suspected Zoe was going through some personal issues. “She knew full well nobody but nobody liked her sorry ass,” Oscar G. Rouch commented. “Yappity, yap, yap, yap. That was Zoe! And it ain’t like nobody’s going to miss her now. Except maybe Elmo. But of course, Elmo is a congenital idiot. That’s another one, if he sticks his head in a gas oven or chokes on his goldfish, I ain’t going to be boo-hooing.”


NASA requests additional 4.3 billion dollars for 2010 spending budget.

NASA has requested almost five billion additional dollars for the spending budget of 2010. Dr. Jerome Fines, II explained the additional money, if approved, will be used to create a karaoke program for use in space stations.


Leaves the hottest new bathroom product in U.S.

TrendWatchersOrg reported today that leaves are November's hottest trending item for bathroom use in the United States.

TWO’s analyst-in-chief, Lloyd Maxwell blogged the news today. Maxwell was asked by several blog visitors if he thought the news implied that Americans are being more seriously affected by the economy than some first believed.

“It could be the bad state of the economy some are talking about, maybe even the high unemployment rate others complain of,” Maxwell wrote. “But if my college-bred education tells me anything, the fad indicates Americans are simply aware of the effects our bathroom habits have on the environment.


New board game pre-Christmas orders taking off at online sellers

Makers of the soon to be released board game, Mark Of The Beast say advance orders are doing surprisingly well at Amazon and Wal-mart, rivaling even the company’s pre-Christmas video games sales.

“We are pleasantly surprised,” Lucifer Undertoll told press sources. “We had hoped that recent reports of toy trends were right in that families are buying more board games than in the last ten years, and it looks like those figures were correct. And this game is geared toward families with children who like more realism in their playing experience. We hope our little game will be a big hit for families this year and many more to come.”

The creators of the game explained that Mark Of The Beast is similar to Monopoly in some ways, but with a contemporary set of goals for the players. In Mark Of The Beast players try to buy up food and necessities instead of real estate, and instead of using play money, use colorful tattoo transfers which are applied to either the palms or foreheads. If a player doesn’t win transfers by getting a lucky card when their tokens land on the Fate or Community Compassion spaces they will eventually be “starved” out of the game. There is no Jail space in Mark Of The Beast, but the Detention Camp for players who land on Jesus Removes Your Mark. The player with the most hoarded food and medical supplies at the end of the game wins.


If initial sales are an indicator,
Mark of the Beast promises to become a family favorite
board game for many years to come..or at least until
2012.



Copyright 2009 by Anya Howard & Pickled Cupid. All rights reserved.